


Blue moon

by Ursula



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-03-10
Updated: 2005-03-10
Packaged: 2019-02-05 14:31:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12796494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ursula/pseuds/Ursula
Summary: Krycek throws a tupperware party on Skinner's balcony. Super Soldiers versus ACME Products.





	Blue moon

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Haven, the archivist: This story was originally archived at [Fandom Haven Story Archive (FHSA)](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Fandom_Haven_Story_Archive), was scheduled to shut down at the end of 2016. To preserve the archive, I began working with the OTW to transfer the stories to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2017. If you are this creator and the work hasn't transferred to your AO3 account, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Fandom Haven Story Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/fhsa/profile).

Blue Moon Ursula

 

 

Blue moon, you saw me standing alone 

Without a dream in my heart 

Without a love of my own

 

Blue moon, you know just what I was there for 

You heard me saying a prayer for

Someone I really do care for

 

And then suddenly appeared before me 

The only one my arms could ever hold 

I heard somebody whisper please adore me

But when I looked that moon had turned to gold

 

Blue moon, now I'm no longer alone 

Without a dream in my heart 

Without a love of my own 

Without a love of my own

 

Blue moon

 

 

 

 

Mulder gingerly emerged from the back of the truck cab. He glanced about nervously. Damn, that last super soldier had almost caught him. Only the springs on the guy's boots tangling had saved Mulder's ass. 

 

Needing food, coffee, and a shower, Mulder walked to the truck stop. He was surprised that he saw no sign of his enemies....

 

 

POV SHIFT Super Soldier Number 1

 

Dear Acme, 

 

The spring-loaded shoes you sold us proved unstable and dangerous. The missile sling severely injured three of my men to the point of requiring the services of an alien healer. Do you have any idea what they are charging these days? I am not a satisfied customer.

 

Sincerely, Super Soldier Number 1

 

 

POV SHIFT

 

The moon was a strange color when Mulder emerged from the truck stop. He was nattily attired in a tee shirt that said, 'Best Little Truck Stop in Texas'. A New York Knicks sweatshirt topped this. New alien head boxers were snug around his bottom and were covered by a stiff new pair of Levis. He felt like a new man.

 

Mulder almost made it across the parking lot before a large sheet of thin stretched aluminum wrapped around him. 

 

Curses! 

 

Foiled again!

 

 

MEANWHILE

 

"Goodnight, Agent Doggett," Walter said.

 

"But, I thought we would go over my case notes," Doggett said, holding up a violin case and a sheaf of music.

 

"Not tonight, Agent," Walter said, "I can hear something calling my name..."

 

"But, Sir," Doggett said.

 

"Go, Agent Doggett," Walter said.

 

The proud head lowered and Doggett left, muttering, "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough, and, damn it, people like me..."

 

Shame about the cut rate self -esteem training...

 

OooOooO

 

Stepping out on his balcony, Walter found a party in progress. Damn Krycek, ever since he sublet the balcony, the man had been partying like it was 1999. Who was to know that the rat bastard was such an entertainer?

 

The leather balls were fun, but this...

 

"Hi, Scully," Walter said.

 

"Shh, this is the good part," Scully said.

 

Alex Krycek held up a strangely ribbed bowl and said, "Although sold as a lettuce keeper, this useful dish has a thousand and one uses. Black Oil stays tightly sealed. Dana, I believe you might find it handy for washing those spleens and stomachs clean in the pathology lab."

 

"I'll take two," Scully said.

 

"Ahem, Krycek, I have a feeling," Walter said.

 

"Ohh, after the party's over," Alex said. "A retired Consortium Assassin has to make a living somehow."

 

"Not that," Walter said. "I think...Mulder is in trouble. Look..."

 

Across the night sky, dimming the blue moon, a symbol showed. Someone was projecting the sign of the Rat and the Badger...

 

"I'll take over here, Alex," Kim said.

 

"Smooches," Alex said, kissing Kim on the cheek. 

 

Alex listened as Kim smoothly took over...

 

"I just love these tiny sealed containers. You can keep your earrings in them. They keep stolen microdots clean and safe. Why AD Skinner kept the entire section budget in them last year," Kim said.

 

Trusting his livelihood was in good hands, Alex felt safe to leap into Walter's badger hole...and then they went to help Mulder.

 

OooOooO

 

Fortunately, Walter and Alex had picked up the Bat Mobile for song after the last movie. If you didn't mind an ultrasonic guidance system, it was a great car.

 

The signal led them to the parking lot of a large truck stop. They discovered Mulder standing there alone. Super Soldiers were held at bay by a small bird, running back and forth, tripping them effortlessly, no matter how many times they yelled, "Fowl!"

 

His powerful chest covered only with Rambo-style leather harness, a sweaty rag from Mulder's old tee shirt tied around his head as sweat band and favor, Walter clamped a cigar in his teeth until Alex whisked it away, saying, "You got that from the last administration. Who knows where that thing has been!"

 

"We're going to mow these bastards down," Walter roared.

 

"Hey, our mothers were married," the super soldiers shouted as Mulder sat down to have an angst interlude about the unanswered question about his parentage being inadvertently raised again.

 

Sighing, Walter revved up his ride-on lawn mower as Alex readied tubes of super glue to make the super soldiers adhere to a truce. Alex was willing to sign a truce with them...mostly because his motto in a pinch was, 'Truce, truce, there is no truce."

 

"Your ass is grass!" Walter shouted as he rode the lawn mower like Ben Hur in a chariot. The Toro ran like a scythe through the soldiers who were ill prepared for such an unexpected weapon. True to his tidy nature, the super soldiers were munched into mulch. They might get their shit together, but they would be pushing up daisies when they woke.

 

Meanwhile, Alex took out the rest of the genetically engineered soldiers, spraying them with his magical glue gun. Half of them were so stuck-up by the glue that they wouldn't work together any longer. Others were immured in the darkest, most inescapable mess of confusing contradiction known to Fandom...you know only a rat bastard would use the X-Files myth arc against his own former employer. No one could find the way out of the mess. No one could find the end. It was ...unresolved.

 

Soon both men stood unscathed, sweaty, chests heaving, looking mighty fine.

 

As Mulder clawed his way free of the foil, he said, "I don't have to stand here alone, any more. I said a prayer, Walter. I had a dream in my heart about you, Alex."

 

"Please adore me," Mulder said, throwing himself into the pair and a half of arms...

 

Walter looked at Alex. Alex looked at Walter.

 

"Mulder, you ditched us for the last time," Alex said. "No one in their right minds could think we were bad dates."

 

"What? You don't want me?" Mulder said.

 

"Yes, over my knee," Walter growled.

 

Shortly, Mulder's bottom was shining white in the dark. 

 

"Red moon in June makes us swoon," Alex muttered, holding Mulder's hand.

 

Swats rained down like rain in Seattle. Mulder whimpered. Mulder howled, but Walter would not relent. Mulder's ass went from a whiter shade of pale to a pinker shade of flesh. As the bruises darkened in the shape of Walter's hand, the moon of Mulder's ass turned blue.

 

Twenty-one swats and a pinch to grow an inch later, Mulder nestled in Walter's embrace with Alex cuddling up to both of them.

 

Sniffing, Mulder was surrounded by the love of his friends. They climbed into the Bat Mobile as the blue moon turned to a rich shade of requited gold and drove off into the dawn.

 

And they lived happily ever after.


End file.
